Why Are You So Happy All The Time?

That's what the girl who serves food at the cafe at the Hollywood Production Center asked me this morning. All I had said was "Good morning, how are you? And told her that I would like a Soy Chai Latte." Sure on other occasions, I've said it's a beautiful day. And things like that. But today, that was it. I just looked at her post question and blinked... at first, then I answered, "I don't know. I just am." And then, I stopped and said truthfully, "Because I've been through things and when you've gotten through that to the other side, you can just be grateful and happy. And I'm a happy person usually. And when I can be happy, I'd rather be happy. And I really like my job." She liked the second answer better. Sometimes brevity is not enough. And I know for me, the simple, pat answers always made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That there was some mystery out there that I couldn't solve. Some answer that I didn't know. And although I do know I no longer need to explain or share everything so people understand where I'm coming from, I also don't want to pretend that reality doesn't exist either.

So in short, I'm practicing boundaries slowly. And the same goes for saying what I mean and want and what I feel. It's not easy. And that's why I'm still on the retreat. Not everyone in my wold respects boundaries. That's how I got here. Well, one of the ways I got here. And I even encountered it a few times this week. The good thing now is that I recognize it. Didn't feel the need to get upset by it, but saw what was happening. I let it go. Someone pushing their shit onto me. Normally, I'd take on anything else. When things were bad in my life, I always did. That's why I'm still in retreat mode. Not quite in social mode yet. It has nothing to do with feeling bad about myself but everything to do with wanting to protect myself. Because there are friends who are used to me behaving in a certain way. A way that I had lapsed into and there are conversations that I need to have. Because I let them think it was all me. The things that were wrong. And it wasn't. Some of the blame and the issues were theirs, too. And I don't know if they see that. And probably not. Because I certainly never told them. I was debating recently whether or not I should And then I realized I have to-- at least if I wanted to continue the friendships. And who knows, they may not want to. But one way or another, I need to know what I want and how to ask for it. So that's what I'm doing or at least trying to.