The Ex-Convict is Smart and Money, Give Me Money...?

He is. Very, very smart. And he was there for me. Which was very, very nice. He knows how to suck it up. He knows how to make money. He knows how to get what he wants. And he knows me. Which he did not want... but you know. I get it. That. I get. The thing is, he does care. And he knows how to kick my ass. Which I needed. I know I needed it. But he knew how to do it in just the right way. Pisses me off. But not really.

I just found out today that my piece for the Los Angeles Times Sunday magazine, "West," is going to be published on Sunday, August 2nd. I'm very, very happy. Even though they edited it quite a bit. I'm happy. Just to be published. Finally.

So tonight I had an idea. Something I was thinking of doing that I'm trying out. Although it might be a little Save Karyn. But it seems everyone is doing it. I'm going to ask for donations (see button on the side).

I know, I know what you're thinking. Who does she think she is? And why reward someone for whining? Well, that's just it. I'm not going to whine anymore. At all. It will be Pavlovian. You will be the parents I never had. The pat on the back that I can't seem to give myself. My Kazoo. (Flintstones anyone?) And I will learn. I will not whine. I will find solutions. I will not have pity parties. Or breakdowns. And I will get rewarded (well hopefully). I will be happy (hopefully). And I will be rewarded (again, hopefully). I will be obligated to be happy. To suck it up. Obligated to look on the bright side. And not have a depressing blog. Obligated to write something funny or entertaining or something of value... even if it's just to recommend a good book. I will owe you that. Even if all I get is 25 cents. Because it's this simple: I know that you earned that 25 cents. And that earning money-- any amount of money is not always easy. And that you thought enough of what I wrote and what I'm trying to do that you would reward me. I know that it's not getting the milk for free. But the milk has gone sour. And I need to change that. I need to get my t-shirt line going and I don't have funds. I need to date. Even if means going online which also means funds. I need to be out in the world. With a smile on my face. I need to believe. And I need to write. And more than anything else, I need to get it together. I'm hoping this will work. Unlike anorexia, which when I had did not make my father love me. Although I was certain it would. And I was quite good at it. When I commit to something I can succeed. I just need to believe it again. To let go of the past and what I've been doing wrong. And start doing something right.

So I hope that it's okay. I'm a little scared to put it out there. But fear has been what has kept me where I'm at. And not knowing how to ask for what I need. I'm learning. Slowly. I think the breakdowns have been good... you know, that whole rock bottom so you can pick yourself up? Perhaps not fun to read, fun to have. But I'm thinking they worked. Well, I'm hoping that's the case. Tomorrow I leave for Florida. Perhaps I'll have fun and amazing stories to share. If not, I'll make them up. Because I figure at the end of the day, just for reading, I owe you.