Bitch. Moan. Whine.

Yes, I do get it. Although I am not about to be hypnotized. By anybody. This is the deal. I'm tired. And sometimes it takes a toll on me. And although I do know that it doesn't help to get beaten down and show it and have pity parties and act like a crazy person, at the end of the day, I am human. Not a saint. A woman. Who gets hormonal. And scared. And disappointed in myself and where I'm at. And who wanted things in her life that didn't happen. And who worked so hard to insure that they would. And who sometimes feels stuck and like no matter how hard I try, it doesn't get me anywhere. Did I have something to do with it? Yes. And can I change it? I hope so. I've seen other people who have managed to do so. And I aspire to be that strong and have that gumption. And when I was younger, I did. Because I still believed. Yes, I've had some amazing things happen in my life. And also, some not so amazing things. And the not so amazing things at times overwhelm me. And sometimes other people make mistakes that can affect my whole life and its balance by just not paying attention. Look, I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes the best is not very good. Horrible even. An embarrassment. I embarrass myself a lot. And sometimes, it's almost there. I can find hope in the simplest things. But sometimes the simplest things don't come along. If it was that easy for everyone, then there wouldn't be antidepressants and shrinks and self help books and welfare and shelters. Not everyone can just pull out of it or take the punches gracefully. Not everyone has been given the tools or learned them or is smart enough to see them. I know I haven't been graceful. I would like to be. I am trying to be. But sometimes, it's a struggle. And recognizing it intellectually does not necessarily mean processing it or knowing how to fix it or even how to behave. That being said, at the end of the day, if you don't want to watch the car accident, then don't slow down.