Step Away From the Broken Person!

I used that line when I was talking to one of my friends recently. When she was recounting a date and how it somehow turned from getting to know each other, to her helping him find the source of his anger. It was just instinctual. It just happened. And stuff like that always happens. I know. Because it happens to me. And to alot of my friends.

Carla said to me, "you need to stop surrounding yourself with people that are broken... or need help" or some version of that. I can't remember exactly. And while it may sound simple to her, who is married to a wonderful (yet real) man and has two children and a house and gets great jobs and has no time to just hang out-- it may also be logical, but it's not so easy for the rest of us. Those of us who are single AND were expected to be there for needy parents. (Divorced parents.) Who often fall back into that trap of helping and fixing when we're weak or lose our way or just do it because we're alone and recognize that emptiness in someone else and don't want them to feel it. Because it doesn't feel so good and we know. it.

If we know our issues and we recognize them, why do we continue to dance the dance (for lack of a better, far more original phrase)? Because it's easy. It's familiar. And quite honestly, if your career falls to shit, most of the successful people in your life who are problem free (or like to pretend to be) bail on you. (They would be the "unbroken ones"). And yes, even your friends bail. Actually, mostly your friends. Or it's just your friends not being there is all that you seem to notice. Because who wants to drink martinis with someone who has to drink water? Or who wants to feel bad about where they're at when it's some place they've worked to get to? Who wouldn't rather celebrate... with happy people?

And then there's that other thing. When you're single and your friends marry, they disappear. POOF! They start spending time with other smug marrieds (to quote "Bridget Jones"). And when they have kids, forget it altogether. You'll never see them. Unless you have a wedding you can invite them to with some place for the kids. Or find reason to initiate a playdate.

And as the years pass, the people who are around, available for conversation, nights out and are able to be there for you (and you them) dwindle down to the people whose lives aren't where they want them to be. Because if they were, those people wouldn't be available. And you wouldn't need them and they wouldn't need you. It's that simple. They (or you) would be with a fabulous man and fabulous children and spending time with other fabulous women just like you or at least ones who have what you have but are still complaining about it in the five free seconds they have-- not seeking filler for what can seem like endless Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.

Granted, this isn't a situation that occurs so much in your twenties. It seems oddly unique to your thirties. To when you want what everybody else wants: the payoff. Love, life, a career and all the things that make you happy. And there's a camraderie that exists in feeling that you've missed out or that someone feels what you feel. It's also nice to know that someone understands. And best of all, is sharing what you've learned on the way to what you want with someone else-- and if it can't be your own child, maybe in the meantime it will be a thirty-something.