I Have No Boundaries, But I Do Have Straight Leg Jeans

I'm just now realizing that my therapist missed a lot. Like the whole boundary thing. And how I have none. Which I'm just now seeing has been a big part of my problem during the last 38 years. Notice big. But also notice, "part". Then again, I did only go to her for 2 years. She probably couldn't see the forest through the trees. She had a lot of stuff to busy herself with. The bummer is that the problems with having no boundaries only really kicked in during the last 5 years. Like when I couldn't make my life better-- which is another issue-- needing to accomplish things to see where I fit in or to feel worthy enough to be loved. So anyway, not being able to accomplish anything made me unlovable (and tragic) in that way in my mind, so I did everything I could to be there for everyone else. Because if I did. They would love me. Or at least see my worth. Or how valuable I truly was. Um... yeah. Are you following this? It seems so simple now. When you break it down like this. (And yes, I am an issue sponge. If you're bored with your issues and can't figure them out, just hang out with me, I'll take them on and you can figure it out by observing. Genius, don't you think?) (By the way, Ken, I borrowed your word. I will just take it on loan and give it back at the end of this entry:)

So this no boundary, taking care of other people thing to get them in a better place issue explains why some of those people are now married. Or have great jobs that I helped them get. In other words, are in a better place. And I'm still... yeah. Because oddly enough, men don't fall in love with you just for being there. And they don't owe you love because of that. Or even dinner. Although dinner, at minimum would be nice. You know, from a lot of guys, I didn't even get dinner. Who's the dummy now? And um... yeah. You get what you settle for. Yes, this whole situation was set up in my childhood. Which is the past. Which is what I'm trying to get over. But it takes time. And I needed to get away from everyone else's problems first. Because I took them on. Wanted to help. Couldn't always. Leading to less power... (and just being overwhelmed)... blah blah blah blah blah. And my friends? It's not their fault I can't say "no." That I'm always there for them. I mean, who's foolish enough to say "no" to someone who will be there for you? Exactly. The only problem occured for me when their lives started working and they weren't there for me. Which brought up the whole abandonment issue from my dad. But that's another issue for another entry. By the way, I can't really take credit for seeing this. My friend Michael nailed me on all of it when I shared the fiasco otherwise known as December '06. I think Kate may have helped, too. I'm pretty sure. And maybe Caren...? And why do I think anyone reading this cares? I don't know if they do. It's just writing it out helps me process it. And who knows, maybe help people understand someone they know a little better (and if they don't know anyone with so many issues, maybe they can just understand me...?).

Anyway, that all being said, these epiphanys occured while wearing straight leg jeans. Me. I've become a jeans girl. Go figure. I never liked jeans. Never wore them. I have thin hips, but I have thighs. No jeans ever fit. (Not huge thighs, but thighs. I mean, I'm a 34-27-34. Not great knees though. I hate my knees). But then I went to New York. And jeans, they're everywhere. Even more than here. Or here I just pretend they're not really here. Because I want to be there. And fit in somewhere. So I thought-- straight leg jeans--- in boots! But no straight leg jeans on the market or at least at the Barney's Jean Bar fit me. So I took two pairs of jeans that I have that did fit me that I never wore to Denim Revival and they made them straight leg. And they looked good. And so I've been wearing them. I think it was only like $26. For straight leg jeans!!! That now fit!!! But not into my boots, unfortunately. Because my boots are all wrong for straight leg jeans. But I bought them before I had straight leg jeans, so I didn't realize it was a whole process. See fashion, can sometimes be just as complicated as people and issues. Although, I must say, I prefer fashion issues. They are much easier to fix. And there are people you can hire to fix them for you. Which means no epiphanies or f%#k ups are necessary. Well at least not on your part. If they happen, they're on theirs. And they fix it. Usually free of charge. And after a fashion epiphany? At least you look cute.