The Reality of It All: Learning a Lesson From My Fair Weather Father. But I Prefer My All Weather Friend.

Today was a great day. I'm logging on "Beauty and the Geek" and it's a fun group of people. I miss testosterone and there's testosterone-a-plenty in production offices. I also miss creatives. And as much of a bad rap as reality shows get, the people who work on them are smart. And creative. And they do write. The difference is that they mold stories out of footage. And they sometimes don't have a lot of good footage to work with. And truth be told, they're flying blind a lot of the time. And more truth-- they have more creative control than most staff writers do on sitcoms. Because they get to create their own stories. It's kind of like what they do on some news shows. The difference is in the content. And even if you hate reality shows, much like movies -- how it's just as much work to write a bad movie as a good movie- it's that way in television, too. ALL forms of television. And you know, it's entertainment. That's why the people are there. They're not trying to save the world one TV at a time. They're just trying to keep you occupied, tell stories and if you connect with the material, it's all the better for them and for you.

Still. Experience or no experience, I am starting on the ground floor once again. And I need to keep that in mind. And much like I was in my early days on Drew, I need to play it close to the vest, so to speak. Not to share any information about myself. In other words, to not act like the world or the production office is my personal blog. Not to tell my story. Julie warned me of this today. And she was right - telling me it was okay to be friendly, but not too friendly -- and to not say anything that reveals too much about me. Because they don't need to know why I'm 38 (that I'm 38!) and doing the same job as a 23-year-old. Like my friend Mary said in New York, I could have been having a fabulous romance and traveling the world. If only. I know I do have a tendency to be an open book. I think it's a reaction against my childhood and my parents since they never paid attention to me or my life so I just never shared. And then people thought I was something I wasn't -- and then I got tired of that and just told people who I was and the rest is well- ???. I mean, look at me now. In other words, being yourself is not always a good strategy in a work environment, which I do know. (Or a dating environment, for that matter). And you know, I did slip today by making one self-deprecating statement and didn't really realize it. That it begged for explanation or at least suggested that there was a story to tell. So Julie pointed it out. And said she hoped I was okay with it-- the her pointing it out part. And of course, I am. I need to be hit over the head with things sometimes. To think more. About what I say-- I don't need to just generally think--- I do that too much as it is. Because the fact of the matter is I need to move forward in my life. I don't want to log forever. And even if I'm not being me and it feels wrong and inauthentic at times, I need to let it go. Which can be hard because sometimes my honesty and laughing at myself and where I'm at feels like all I have to hold onto. And the only way I can survive. I also know it's a defense mechanism -- which was just cemented when I got a comment on my blog today from my father.

I guess he read about the job. And so he wished me luck and said he loves me-- the only thing is, he fails to demonstrate any of the traits of love. (Which is why I'm so damn confused.) Or at least the kind of love I want. The kind any kid -- even an adult kid-- wants from their parent-- unconditional love. In other words, he disappeared yet again because times were bad and told me to call him when I could be positive or my t-shirt line takes off. And just like I told him at the time, he had 20 years to rest. 20!!! Yet, it seems it wasn't enough. And see, with him? It never is. And I don't want to have to be something else or some way else for someone to love me. (You better believe he was standing there when I won homecoming... but nowhere to be found when I went to college). I know everyone loves a winner. Or a contender, at least. So if nothing else, he reminded me of that. And he also made me sad. On a really good day. And that's why I prefer Julie's way. She didn't walk away when things were bad. She accepted me, she helped me out when she could and she's doing what she can to remind me of who I am, what I'm capable of and who I need to be to get where I want to go. Which is what an extraordinary friend does. What a family is supposed to. And if nothing else, I can recognize that.