After a Blank Slate, Then What?

I remember when the ex-convict was living with us... yes, us. Me and Quentin. And I came home from work to find him sifting through a box. One cardboard box. Bigger than a file box but not all that big. Not big enough to contain a life. And that's what was pissing him off. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. Because that's all that was left of the life he had before. There were empty CD cases, one random shoe and other things. I just remmber him saying, "empty, empty, empty" as he tossed the CD cases aside. That's how I feel right now.

Seeing him go through that box broke my heart. His girlfriend was supposed to be taking care of his stuff. Well, she didn't. I couldn't believe someone would have so little respect for someone they were with. For the things they had. The evidence of someone's life. I was speechless. Now. I'm speechless, too.

On the one hand when you have nothing of your own surrounding you, there is the chance to reinvent yourself. There is a blank slate. No evidence of anything you've done. On the other hand, there is a blank slate. No evidence of anything you've done. It's the ultimate in vulnerability. Because it's a blank slate when you've always had a slate before. So there's no crutch. There's no comfort. There are no reminders. And without those things, sometimes, there is fear. Now? I have fear.

I was waiting for Carla tonight. I finished - slash - burned out at a quarter to 7. She didn't finish until 8. I waited. I was 20 minutes away from a place I lived for 14 years and it felt like I should be able to just go home But that home isn't mine anymore. Which feels crazy. And makes me feel blank. Unaccomplished. Ungrounded. So I waited to go to my mom's home. To be driven to Carla's So I could drive to my mom's from there. I got here at 9:30. To a place that doesn't feel like home. Carla said, "Next month your life could be completely different. It could change tomorrow even." And I started to cry.
She said, "You know, next month you'll be working one place and I'll be working another." And then I thought that the high point of all of this has been seeing her and spending time with her. And every morning? Seeing her kids. Getting the welcomes, getting my hand held and shown whatever they're excited about it, and also the hugs. I know next month I won't have that. But I guess, I can at least see what's possible if the blank slate is filled in just how I'd like it to be.