Something's Happening. Although I'm Not Sure What.

I should be packing. But I'm not. I do alot of packing. The packing is not my favorite part. And I wait until the absolute last minute as often as possible. Usually that's on the trips I'm not ready for. The ones I want to put off until the last possible moment. I tried to do the red eye on this particular trip. To prolong the time in between having to do the things I don't want to do and allowing me to spend more time doing the things I do want to. But there's the whole situation about Danbury, Connecticut being in the middle of nowhere and no flights really going there. And me needing to. I hate that. I'm feeling like things are happening here. Just today alone. There's a shift. I feel the shift. And it's good. Something that makes me feel it's all about to happen. Sure, there's also the panic. The one that lets me know that I have no money in my bank account. Am waiting to be reimbursed from Boscia. That there's no job after this one ends-- which today I learned, would be November 18th-- and there's no place to live after I move out of here. And I'm bankrupt. Which will not be helpful. If only there was a bankruptcy club like the one the ex-convict had that he could depend on for back up and that has catapulted him way past my stratosphere and into legitimacy and money and the life of which dreams are made of. Not to say he didn't work hard for it. The thing about the ex-convict is that he always works hard. Still. Who said life was fair?

I don't know where I will live. I don't. Or if I will end up with someone. I would like for that to happen. It's very important to me that that happens. Even more so than success. Which makes me a different kind of woman than most "career women" and perhaps it's not relateable. But. People say marriage is hard. Relationships. But guess what? So is not having one. Never having one. Not having the hope or the conversation. The love or the sex. Just having yourself. Only yourself. And if you're not getting anywhere in your career, what then? I don't want the love because the career is not working. I want the love because I've always wanted the love. That's it. I don't believe it will rescue me. But I do believe there's more to that than there is to alot of what's happened in my life. And things with something to them? That can complete a person.

Last week, Laura offered me Money Magick or Love Magick. I would like Money. I need Money. But not as much as love. So I said Love Magick. I had money for a brief moment in time. I was not happy. Because I didn't have love. I've never had love-- either with money or without. I'm ready for love. I'm ready for magic. Wherever and however it happens. I still want the stories. I love the stories. I've always had the stories. But love. That's different. Completely different. From what I hear.