Disneyland Kicked My Ass

Not for the obvious reasons. My niece and nephew? They couldn't be more adorable. They were perfeectly behaved, perfectly well mannered and perfectly perfect. And that's not just because they kept wanting to go on the rides with me. I mean, come on, they see my sister every day.

So why did Disneyland kick my ass? It was the families. All those families. 65,000 people comprising families. There were parents of every age, from every geographic region, race, and religion. And they all had families. Not such a fabulous place for a single 38 year-old woman who wants a family to be. Yet, I hid it. Of course. Like a 7 year-old and 3 year-old could relate or I would ever want them to. I hope they never can. The day was about them. And it was fun to have it be about them. To see the world through a kid's eyes.

I kept telling myself (in my head. Again, of course) that it wasn't supposed to happen for me before now. That it will happen. That we all have different journeys. But it doesn't mean I don't wonder why. And if my journey will ever take me to Disneyland with my own kids. To the happiest place on earth. (Although my nephew did say a few times he'd rather be at the beach. God bless him). I mean, those people all managed to have families. There are some times you can't help but wonder what exactly you did wrong.

I called one of my friends on my way home from The OC. And she's been matching lately (as in match.com). She's my age. And men keep emailing her things like, "Are you sure you want kids?" and "Are you sure you want to get married" (or some version of that). And she is. She wants those things. But you know, it's hard to hold onto the dream as you get older and people keep asking you that. As alot of the men your age are now divorced, have been there and done that and don't want it again. Or, have never wanted it at all. Or better yet, want it, but with someone that they babysat as a teenager. I've had friends who have families say it doesn't make your life perfect. But you know, it makes your life fuller. More interesting. And at the end of the day, let us decide for ourselves. We want the chance. We want the experience, too. Why shouldn't we have the experience?

It's also harder to hold onto the dream as you get older and not get sad about it. None of us thought we'd be single at this age. We thought we'd be married by 30 and have kids. We didn't want to be old mothers or old wives. A woman looks a lot different walking down the aisle at 40 than she does at 27, or 28, or 29... Can you imagine "Father of the Bride" if the bride was 40? Actually, that's kind of a funny movie idea. Don't anybody steal it. I can only write one movie at a time. And I'm already writing one. Yes, I'm writing. So that part's good. This year, I hope to send out a Christmas card with pictures of everything I've written sitting on Santa's lap.

And now. About my "Signs That a Man Doesn't Want to Be With You" entry. Which was absolutely meant to be fun. Because I'm kind of getting my sense of humor back. Or something that resembles one. And the rule is that tragedy plus time equals comedy. So there you go. Are all those "signs" true-- in that they actually happened? Absolutely. Not all of them happened to me. Thank God. But a woman who chooses to be with men like that is not necessarily, as John put it, a woman who doesn't want to be with a man. It's sometimes a woman who doesn't know any better. It's sometimes more complex than that-- or simple really-- it's about the man who raised her and what she believes love is and until she either heals, gets lucky and finds a different kind of guy, gets a different outcome or learns otherwise, she keeps repeating those patterns. It's sometimes also just low self esteem. And sometimes, it's that those signs come as a total surprise. Don't kid yourself, alot of men are good at saying exactly what women want to hear to get what they want for the moment or a week or a month... or three years. Unfortunately, some of us believe those things and end up finding out the hard way. And that's just one of the many reasons a woman is at Disneyland and still single at 38 years-old.