Receiving is Hard.
I'm really not used to this. People believing in me despite my failures. I usually have to perform. At least skip rope or something to show I still can get something right. Although when I was four years old, I did trip when I was skipping rope because I was showing off in front of my teacher. Which was ridiculous. Like she cared if I had that skill? Anyway, I had to go to the emergency room. I had to get stitches. I still have the scar.
The lunch with my old boss was draining. I. Am. Drained. But. In a good way. Odd, that good can be as draining as bad. Right? Again, I'm crying. For God's sakes, enough with that.
Well, my old boss... he was present. Fully present and real during lunch. And we had a good conversation. About lots of different things. And I was honest with him about it all. The past five years. The Room. Which was hard. It's easier to write honest than to speak it. Although I didn't mention the blog. And I wonder if I'm just an asshole for that. And I don't know. Because what I wrote is what I felt when it happened. And it is what happened. It's the story. And then, like all stories (not movies, sadly)-- over the course of the story, I learned my lesson. So I think there's value in seeing that. For me and anyone else who cares.
Once we started talking, I realized just how much has happened since I worked for him. How much time has passed. How much I've been through. How far away I felt from having worked on the show as a writer. And how remarkable that all that being said and all this time later, he's there for me. And you know, I missed him. I really did.
Because he was good to me. And he gave me my first shot as a writer. We were friends even though he was my boss. Of course, I also felt sad because I don't fit into his world anymore. At least not in the same way. And that hurts to realize I don't have the particular skills for that. I'm not a hard joke girl. But that doesn't mean I can't fit in in a different way. And maybe that's part of the lesson. I don't have to be funny. I don't have to perform in that way.
So anyway, he said he believes in me. And I believe him. He said he'd be around. And I believe that, too. I love to believe. Sometimes, you just have to. He also said that he knows I never asked for help. And that I'd earned help and that since I never asked and worked so hard, it made him want to help me. That was refreshing. Just when I was learning to ask. It turns out, I don't have to. Which is a little confusing. But I'm happy to have help. Wherever it comes from. And for whatever the reason. I'm just happy.
Still, I need a nap. I need to take this in. I need to get used to it. The idea that things are getting better. Somehow, they're getting better. Who knew they could get better? Receiving may be hard. But I can take hard. I can take alot of things. As long as it gets better.
The lunch with my old boss was draining. I. Am. Drained. But. In a good way. Odd, that good can be as draining as bad. Right? Again, I'm crying. For God's sakes, enough with that.
Well, my old boss... he was present. Fully present and real during lunch. And we had a good conversation. About lots of different things. And I was honest with him about it all. The past five years. The Room. Which was hard. It's easier to write honest than to speak it. Although I didn't mention the blog. And I wonder if I'm just an asshole for that. And I don't know. Because what I wrote is what I felt when it happened. And it is what happened. It's the story. And then, like all stories (not movies, sadly)-- over the course of the story, I learned my lesson. So I think there's value in seeing that. For me and anyone else who cares.
Once we started talking, I realized just how much has happened since I worked for him. How much time has passed. How much I've been through. How far away I felt from having worked on the show as a writer. And how remarkable that all that being said and all this time later, he's there for me. And you know, I missed him. I really did.
Because he was good to me. And he gave me my first shot as a writer. We were friends even though he was my boss. Of course, I also felt sad because I don't fit into his world anymore. At least not in the same way. And that hurts to realize I don't have the particular skills for that. I'm not a hard joke girl. But that doesn't mean I can't fit in in a different way. And maybe that's part of the lesson. I don't have to be funny. I don't have to perform in that way.
So anyway, he said he believes in me. And I believe him. He said he'd be around. And I believe that, too. I love to believe. Sometimes, you just have to. He also said that he knows I never asked for help. And that I'd earned help and that since I never asked and worked so hard, it made him want to help me. That was refreshing. Just when I was learning to ask. It turns out, I don't have to. Which is a little confusing. But I'm happy to have help. Wherever it comes from. And for whatever the reason. I'm just happy.
Still, I need a nap. I need to take this in. I need to get used to it. The idea that things are getting better. Somehow, they're getting better. Who knew they could get better? Receiving may be hard. But I can take hard. I can take alot of things. As long as it gets better.
posted by jodypwrites | 4:37 PM
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