OMG
Even though it shouldn't bother me. It did. The call from my old boss. I woke up at three in the morning. I couldn't just lie there in bed any longer. I couldn't read. I had to get up. I had to go walk around. Then go back to bed and cry. And that's what I did.
The good news is that the reaction of people who know me-- as a friend, as a writer and also just as a slightly messed up person trying to be a little less messy was this: Oh my God. Or OMG. They're much hipper than me. But they did get that it wasn't a good thing for my old boss to be doing or saying. Which was good. It makes it easier to be horrified. And to cry. Not that I've ever had a problem with either.
There were so many things I wanted to write about today. So many things I wanted to do. More than anything I wanted to shake off all the punches. And be strong. Last night, I was pissed. But I felt strong. It bothers me when I can't just be strong.
I always say that someone needs at least one thing working-- their career, money or love. If you're lucky, you get all three working at once. I've only had one at a time. Two, tops. Now I have none. I'm working towards getting all three. Really. But I see lately that along with my doting ex-boss, other people who used to believe in me are taking shots, too-- people who aren't relatives-- it's like they're all wondering what in the hell have I been doing and how did this happen to me? And why can't I get my shit together? Like I disappointed them more than myself and that they're the ones that have to worry about me from one day to the next-- where I am and where my life is going. When in truth, they have no idea just how bad it can feel. And how sometimes, I'd almost rather just give up.
I remember a few years back when this girl Karyn had a website to get donations to pay off her credit card debt. It was around $20,000 I think. And it made me annoyed and angry that she did it. Even more so that it worked. Then she got a book and a movie deal. And that pissed me off even more. The fact is. She was smart. And I was probably just jealous. That she had the courage or the humility to asked to be saved. And that all she had to do was ask. And then she was.
The good news is that the reaction of people who know me-- as a friend, as a writer and also just as a slightly messed up person trying to be a little less messy was this: Oh my God. Or OMG. They're much hipper than me. But they did get that it wasn't a good thing for my old boss to be doing or saying. Which was good. It makes it easier to be horrified. And to cry. Not that I've ever had a problem with either.
There were so many things I wanted to write about today. So many things I wanted to do. More than anything I wanted to shake off all the punches. And be strong. Last night, I was pissed. But I felt strong. It bothers me when I can't just be strong.
I always say that someone needs at least one thing working-- their career, money or love. If you're lucky, you get all three working at once. I've only had one at a time. Two, tops. Now I have none. I'm working towards getting all three. Really. But I see lately that along with my doting ex-boss, other people who used to believe in me are taking shots, too-- people who aren't relatives-- it's like they're all wondering what in the hell have I been doing and how did this happen to me? And why can't I get my shit together? Like I disappointed them more than myself and that they're the ones that have to worry about me from one day to the next-- where I am and where my life is going. When in truth, they have no idea just how bad it can feel. And how sometimes, I'd almost rather just give up.
I remember a few years back when this girl Karyn had a website to get donations to pay off her credit card debt. It was around $20,000 I think. And it made me annoyed and angry that she did it. Even more so that it worked. Then she got a book and a movie deal. And that pissed me off even more. The fact is. She was smart. And I was probably just jealous. That she had the courage or the humility to asked to be saved. And that all she had to do was ask. And then she was.
posted by jodypwrites | 2:30 PM
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