It's Hard to Pretend
So yesterday was Day 8. And I didn't sleep at all the night of Day 7 since my back was locked up. Which may have contributed to my panic attack. Yes. After I wrote about Brian and wrote an essay to submit for the LA Times magazine, West's "The Rules of Hollywood", I had a bonafide breakdown. I can't remember ever crying so much in my whole life. My friend said that she once cried so much that steam came out. I don't know about that. But it did start to rain here. And our bathroom flooded. Rain started pouring in out of the tiles on the walls. It was odd and kind of creepy. I just threw towels down on the bathroom floor and went on with my crying.
I think the crying was important. I think it's about moving past the fear. Because I am scared. And I'm not. Things are moving forward. I'm getting contracts and trademarks and people involved. I'm focused and when I am, things can happen. Which when they haven't been happening, can be a pretty scary thing. Just trusting that it will all be okay. And that finally, after all these years, something I put out there could work and happen and that the situation can change. That other people are trusting me and thinking I can do things. And are willing to help.
The essay I submitted for "The Rules of Hollywood" is called "It's Hard to Pretend Your Career is Working When You're Selling Your Former Agent a Tank Top." The editor replied that he'd get back to me by next week! So fingers crossed. I'm the only person in my writing workshop who hasn't had something published. And that's a goal of mine. There are some truly talented people in there so it's not like they're throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks. But my writing does tend to be a little less literary and more quirky. Or more, me. So it doesn't always have an audience in literary publications. But I'm researching the 173 publications and websites to find the one that might just like me. Of course, that requires reading each of them to see what they like and and also when they accept submissions. Some accept only between September and February or the months of April, July and January. Or for two weeks in some random month, but not on a holiday. It's all very bizarre. Anyway. Enough.
I have to go do my taxes. I'm thinking if I can efile, I must just be able to pay my rent.
I think the crying was important. I think it's about moving past the fear. Because I am scared. And I'm not. Things are moving forward. I'm getting contracts and trademarks and people involved. I'm focused and when I am, things can happen. Which when they haven't been happening, can be a pretty scary thing. Just trusting that it will all be okay. And that finally, after all these years, something I put out there could work and happen and that the situation can change. That other people are trusting me and thinking I can do things. And are willing to help.
The essay I submitted for "The Rules of Hollywood" is called "It's Hard to Pretend Your Career is Working When You're Selling Your Former Agent a Tank Top." The editor replied that he'd get back to me by next week! So fingers crossed. I'm the only person in my writing workshop who hasn't had something published. And that's a goal of mine. There are some truly talented people in there so it's not like they're throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks. But my writing does tend to be a little less literary and more quirky. Or more, me. So it doesn't always have an audience in literary publications. But I'm researching the 173 publications and websites to find the one that might just like me. Of course, that requires reading each of them to see what they like and and also when they accept submissions. Some accept only between September and February or the months of April, July and January. Or for two weeks in some random month, but not on a holiday. It's all very bizarre. Anyway. Enough.
I have to go do my taxes. I'm thinking if I can efile, I must just be able to pay my rent.
posted by jodypwrites | 7:41 AM
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