The Love They Lost... And Hope to Have. Some Day.

All this working on yourself shit is exhausting. Frinking painful. Body and mind. In yoga today I seriously did cry in pigeon, my hips were so tight (that's where you hold all of your stress and tension, by the way). I left saturated. And tired. Very, very tired. Still, that didn't stop me from being obsessed with reading more. I'm not even ashamed to carry the books around anymore. I feel like I'm on kind of on a roll. The only thing stopping me is UPS and my paycheck.

The strange thing is there's no regret. I instinctively knew some of this stuff. Or a variation thereof. But being validated I think is the clincher. Realizing you're not alone when you feel so alone. It's like when I was close to bankruptcy and was calling my Visa card's hardship department. There was something comforting about a credit card company having a whole department for hardship --- because I knew there were other people in my situation -- it's not like they created a whole department just for me. And any more, I can't even get angry at myself for acting like I did. Because I tried. I worked on myself through the years, I worked hard. I just had a lot of stuff to deal with. And it doesn't all present itself in a neat little package. Some comes out when you date, some comes out when you fail, and some comes out when you least expect it. And for me, when so many things were going wrong, and I didn't have the resources to deal with it, my reactions seemed normal. It was only when things kept getting worse and I started having breakdowns with regularity that I realized there was a bigger problem. And I had basically lost it. And I had to get it back. Somehow. Who would've thought moving home would help me get it back...

So in my quest to get myself back, one of the books I've been reading is "The Love They Lost: Living With the Legacy of our Parents' Divorce." I was four years old when my parents got divorced. This is a picture of my beautiful niece Sheridan who just turned four years old. She's having problems with her s's but not her beauty or charm or her love of cats and dogs and hamsters. She's a supportive sister and goes to all of her brother's basketball and baseball games (even though she kind of has to). She also calls me... usually when I'm not home. And made me a beautiful valentine. That, as much as the book, resonates with me. Because it lets me see just where I was in my life when my parents got divorced. Innocent and vulnerable. And with a passion for wearing tights.

The Love They Lost: Living With the Legacy of our Parents' Divorce is not a fun read. At all. Painful might be more accurate. Although, disturbingly comforting at the same time? Only because some of the stories were just as bad as the ones I have about my parents' divorce. Which I had yet to hear from anyone I knew. Thankfully. I wouldn't wish any of those experiences on anyone. Least of all a kid. Even though my dad said we were smart kids -- he didn't see we were kids at all or his kids, for that matter. And that we required, love and approval and encouragement-- most of all, that our world had been turned upside down. My mom was angry and overwhelmed, panicked about money and at a loss as to how to deal with her new reality-- one she had worked so hard to avoid by working while my dad went to law school-- in the hopes of building a future together. She was devastated. She had no joy. Definitely not in being a mother and couldn't really mother us. She never moved on. Well, at least not until she retired. But she did never marry again. She has a boyfriend now, owns her townhouse and she has us. My dad, alternately, moved on and got everything he wanted... including a bigger house, another family and then of course, he proceeded to lose it all. But it wasn't because of us. Although he did lose us.

The Love They Lost talks about every possible variation of trauma for kids in divorce-- the abandonment and betrayal, the financial insecurity, having to take care of our parents, to put their needs first, when kids become objects to fight over, the stepfamilies, half-sisters and half-brothers; competitions between siblings and the roles of siblings; and anger and fights and inconsistencies in our worlds and how we're ashamed about it and take responsibility for it, and later, how it affects our adult relationships, careers and families. The reader reviews on this book are overwhelmingly positive. Because it discusses the things no one talks about and that every kid from a "broken home" felt they were alone in experiencing. So as hard as it is to read -- I mean, I've owned it since 2001 and am just reading it now-- it's worthwhile. If just for the chance to recognize and process the emotions you still carry, so that you can let them go. However, unless you're made of steel, it will be difficult and exhausting so don't read it when you're expected to be "on" or there for someone else. Hopefully read it when someone else can be there for you or you've read another book on how to heal. Because in that regard, there are no answers here. However there are a lot of codependents sharing their stories. And a huge argument for amicable divorces and loving parents.

Here's a link to the reviews:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-They-Lost-Parents-Divorce/dp/0385334109/sr=8-1/qid=1171830087/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-1841624-3762437?ie=UTF8&s=books