A Codependent's Valentine's Day
Yes. It's true. Not only do I have no boundaries, I'm also codependent. In fact, I am the definition of a codependent. I have a green-highlighted version of Facing Codependence (which I bought just after work today, yes on Valentine's Day) to prove it. Which makes for not so much fun, a few too many tears and a lot of illumination. I got Boundary Power yesterday and read the whole thing in a night. It was like reading my memoir. Disturbing. Yes. But, true. And it hurt like a mo%#@r(*ker. Truly. That took two glasses of wine to deal with.
So there you have it; I'm not done fixing myself. I'm not even close. I guess the good thing is that I see that none of this stuff is my fault. Not in that it exists within me. Just the part where I have to recognize it and fix it. The thing is, for the longest time, I was too busy surviving to even see this stuff. I was working damage control in my life. And apparently when someone who has "other esteem" which means we don't have self esteem because we weren't taught it, but get our esteem through
-how we look
-how much we make
-who we know
-what kind of car we drive
-what kind of job we have
-how well our children perform
-how powerful and attractive our spouse is
-the degrees we have earned
-how well we perform at activicties in which others value excellence
Well, we're basicaly screwed when any of those things go south. Well, for me? In the last five years, I went bankrupt, my car got totaled, I lost my job (and never got it back or any version of it), I got dumped by my agent and every person in Hollywood who was my "friend", I have no chidlren and want them, no spouse and want one and well, that's pretty much enough.
So basicaly, tonight, I'm just thankful I didn't Anna Nicole on myself. And you know, it's a good thing we weren't friends, because if we were, i would have tried to help her before myself and she'd probably end up find and living somewhere happily with her man and baby. That may sound horrible, but could even be true. Codependents find value in helping others and can't help but taking on their problems. It gives them value. It gives them worth. So truly, at mom's? I'm like a junky. I hear these 23 year-olds needing help and i'm so wanting to help them and give them advice and hook them up and I'm just quiet. I'm just a logger. Who is-- incidentally, only making $10 an hour. Bummer.
The whole boundary thing bit me in the ass with jobs. It's what kept me less than where I should be. it also bit me in the ass with friends who expected too much, had too many problems or disappointed me and men who used me and bosses who used me and hit on me. And instead of being upset at them, I just took everything as something being wrong with me. Fun,fun fun for the whole family. No wonder on the dating show I'm logging for they ask what the relationship the girl has with her family. No certifiables allowed.
On the subject of Valentine's Day? Well, I spent it like I have every Valentine's Day for 38 years. No joke. Alone. However, this time I read a self help book and thought perhaps, if I could get my shit together, maybe my 39th Valentine's Day could be the charm.
So there you have it; I'm not done fixing myself. I'm not even close. I guess the good thing is that I see that none of this stuff is my fault. Not in that it exists within me. Just the part where I have to recognize it and fix it. The thing is, for the longest time, I was too busy surviving to even see this stuff. I was working damage control in my life. And apparently when someone who has "other esteem" which means we don't have self esteem because we weren't taught it, but get our esteem through
-how we look
-how much we make
-who we know
-what kind of car we drive
-what kind of job we have
-how well our children perform
-how powerful and attractive our spouse is
-the degrees we have earned
-how well we perform at activicties in which others value excellence
Well, we're basicaly screwed when any of those things go south. Well, for me? In the last five years, I went bankrupt, my car got totaled, I lost my job (and never got it back or any version of it), I got dumped by my agent and every person in Hollywood who was my "friend", I have no chidlren and want them, no spouse and want one and well, that's pretty much enough.
So basicaly, tonight, I'm just thankful I didn't Anna Nicole on myself. And you know, it's a good thing we weren't friends, because if we were, i would have tried to help her before myself and she'd probably end up find and living somewhere happily with her man and baby. That may sound horrible, but could even be true. Codependents find value in helping others and can't help but taking on their problems. It gives them value. It gives them worth. So truly, at mom's? I'm like a junky. I hear these 23 year-olds needing help and i'm so wanting to help them and give them advice and hook them up and I'm just quiet. I'm just a logger. Who is-- incidentally, only making $10 an hour. Bummer.
The whole boundary thing bit me in the ass with jobs. It's what kept me less than where I should be. it also bit me in the ass with friends who expected too much, had too many problems or disappointed me and men who used me and bosses who used me and hit on me. And instead of being upset at them, I just took everything as something being wrong with me. Fun,fun fun for the whole family. No wonder on the dating show I'm logging for they ask what the relationship the girl has with her family. No certifiables allowed.
On the subject of Valentine's Day? Well, I spent it like I have every Valentine's Day for 38 years. No joke. Alone. However, this time I read a self help book and thought perhaps, if I could get my shit together, maybe my 39th Valentine's Day could be the charm.
posted by jodypwrites | 9:43 PM
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