Seeing the Light & Dysfunctions To Be Happy About.

Today I felt light - my heart felt light - it was like a hundred pounds lighter. It's the craziest thing. It was like a light-bulb went off. Just one book later. Julie said I was ready for the infomation and that's why when it came it was just like suddenly I could speak French in Paris after not understanding it all these years. Or maybe someone told me the language I spoke finally and why I could never understand everyone else and they could never understand me. I don't know. You get the idea.

The point is now I get it. Now I know how everything that happened happened. And why things kept getting worse instead of better. Because that's all I knew. I didn't know how to fix it. I only knew the one story. Now I know that that story isn't true. That I'm less than. Or that something's wrong with me. It's just what I was told - verbally and non-verbally when I was growing up. So when I started to fail, I believed it because that was the only esteem I had - success, achievement, money. And without it, I reinforced the less than with my choices... of people. Of jobs. Of men. I would pursue men who would reject me and let them reject me again and again and so on. And I gave them the power. I let them make the rules. And they usually didn't give one iota about my wants or needs. And then the people I'd ask to help me? They would usually be people who wouldn't or couldn't. So while other people's down periods would last a year or two - mine lasted five years. Brutal. Thank God, I'm seeing this stuff now.

It's not like I wouldn't wonder why I was stuck. I tried a lot of stuff. (A lot of which I wrote about here). And some of it worked but it's one thing to see that you're doing something that's not good for you and is not working. And another thing completely to understand why, where it came from and how to stop it. Or even change your way of thinking. Especially if everyone else seems to be speaking a different language. Your friends who are functional think something's wrong with you and the other people who have something wrong with them just reinforce it. It's a vicious cycle. And then. If you're not given the proper tools you can't build a thing. Least of all a new future. And I wasn't. Given any tools that worked. Mine were all broken. Everything I was taught was dysfunctional. The fact I'm even half as normal as I am is a miracle. So I'm learning to crawl. Unfortunately, my knees are bony. (It's always an issue in yoga). But at least I'm crawling.

Apparently a lot of the traits of codependents are considered admirable-- which is also a problem. Perfectionism, being there for other people, empathy, taking care of other people's needs, doing any job no matter how big or small without complaint. I was laughing when I was driving in to work today because I was thinking, I'm not a good person at all. I'm just codependent. I'm only helping you because I don't know any better! Well, it was funny when I thought of it. But the truth is, I do think I'm a good person and I do care about people so I think that's why I didn't see what it was doing to me. I cared too much. I took it on. And i couldn't separate. And it has hurt a few of my friends - which I am sorry for - they coudn't help that I had no boundaries and that I was a sponge that took on their problems. That I got to the point that I just couldn't take it anymore. I instinctively knew I was overwhelmed but people would say to me you have to learn how to not let it affect you or to set a boundary about x or y or z-- like something was wrong with me and the more they said it, the more I believed there was something wrong with me for not knowing what they meant and so that actually kept me stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Crazy, right?

You want to know crazy? Hey, I even bought a gift for a guy that dumped me off after "surgery" when I was still under anesthesia and who when I called him because I was out of it and in a panic/depression, told me he would file a restraining order if I ever called him again. Nice, right? I never really ever called the guy to begin with. But I did buy him a coffee table book on jazz as a thank you for taking me to the surgery. Yeah. Stimulus - f*cked up response. Never again. At least I can say that. Finally I can say that. Not that it will be easy. But it will be a lot easier now that I know what I'm doing and why.

I do also want to touch upon that little matter of age and that the only people who ever comment on the fact that I mention mine and that it's an issue for me that I should get over are men. They say that I'm not that old, but the rules for men are different. And I find the following also to be true 1. The men saying it are usually successful or 2. younger or 3. don't plan on carrying a child in their womb. and 4. And don't think about the fact that they're dating or married to a woman YOUNGER than themselves. Here's the deal: It's not as easy for a woman to date as you get older. To have a child. And if you can't afford to go out or are working s*it jobs, your prospects are a bit limited.

AND not having ever had the experience of love in 38 years--- well that's a long time. And I've worked for 23 years and I want something to show for it just like everybody else.

ON the subject of Drew Carey -- codependent - other esteem - only accomplishment worth noting in 7 years. I am trying. I am aware it's a dead subject, but it's ingrained into me - and I think sadly, it was my lifeline. Holding onto it was. That I was drowning and I needed to have esteem come from somewhere even from a far away land where I didn't fit in and wasn't very happy and that made me physically sick since being constantly judged is a codependent's nightmare ($30,000 to get well that I could have used on therapy if only I had known what was making sick).

Okay, off the soapbox and crazy box now and on to my dysfunctions to be happy about:

1. I will never be fat.
2. I will never give up.
3. I will never be accused of being conceited.
4. I will never slack off at work.
5. I will help contribute to the success and continued publication of self help books forever
6. I will always understand or try to understand other people's problems because I've probably taken them on or will at some point aka I will always have empathy.

And I'm sure there are more to come... It's time to get on the 405 and admire the mini malls and chain stores that make America great. Or at least, what it is today.