What I Want For Christmas.

We didn't have much money growing up. Really. But my mom did her best to do Christmas up. It was a big deal for her. And she liked to make it special. Or at least as special as she could. Particularly given the every other holiday rule that we kids from divorced homes lived by. So maybe it's fitting that I'm going to be home this Christmas. Even if I did fight with my mom today.

See, she's basically allowing me to live with her, but doesn't really want it to be happening. So she doesn't want me to bring anything or change anything in my old room. Which is now full of furniture-- lots of matching furniture-- and wallpaper and her stuff. There's not much room for me. At all. See, that's kind of her deal. She says that she'll do things but she lets you know how miserable it's making her and how much of an inconvenience it is. Like I'm jumping up and down about this whole moving in with mom thing.

Has anyone actually lived in their storage space?

Granted, my mother is strong and amazing and a role model in a lot of ways. And in ALL ways, she's been there far more for me than my father. The deal is that she doesn't have much so she holds on real tight to what she does have. Too tight. My dad? He had it all but didn't share. More on Dad later. As you might suspect, that whole reconciliation thing didn't turn out to be all that I'd hoped. Although it did give me closure. And everyone needs closure.

Well, so far, there have been no miracles this month. None. There is still no Little Will. No amazing job. No phenomenal man. And I am still me. Nearing 39. No kids in sight. Harumph. So I'm creating a Christmas List. Maybe Santa will surprise me.

JODY'S CHRISTMAS LIST

1. Little Will. Home. (Now!! Before Xmas!).
2. A place to live in NYC. Make that a place to live in NYC that I can afford.
3. A man who wants to be with me, stays with me, doesn't lie to me, doesn't cheat on me, who hasn't been incarcerated and means it when he says he won't hurt me.
4. A writing job. That results in something being published or aired or something.
5. A writing job that pays.
6. Hearing the words, "I love you," from #3.
7. Having a child with #3 after #6.
8. A new coat. (Maybe a bit more manageable for Santa... you think?). I like this one (http://www.revolveclothing.com/DisplayProductDetail.jsp?product=SUNN-WO4). So I hope Santa has money.
9. Direction. Directions. And a destination worth arriving at.
10. A great book.
11. A great CD.
12. Kindness on a bad day.
13. No more bad days. Or at least far fewer.
14. Not having to worry about having enough money to pay my bills.
15. The ability to give to others as much as I get from them.
16. The chance to make a difference in someone's life.
17. Freedom.
18. Yoga. All the yoga I want. Maha Maha Maha. (http://www.mahayoga.com/info2.html) (Expensive yoga which makes it harder to breathe when you're supposed to:)
19. Glasses!!!!! And the funds to pay for them (Because I'm blind... they're thick. And pricey... $750! Can't elves make them in their workshop?)
20. A purse. (I suck at buying accessories. But I like this one http://www.hidebags.com/images/bags/dana.html)
21. Belief in myself. That it can get better. Will get better. And that what Santa doesn't give me, I'll be able to give myself.