I WAS Trying. Really. And Still Am.

There's this weird thing that's been happening lately. I've discovered that not only do people seem to think that it's my fault that I'm single, they also think that it's my fault that my career is where it's at--- meaning, that they think I wasn't trying to get to a better place. Find a better job or write something. They think that I just gave up. That I made a choice-- either to not try to get a professional job that pays more than $10 an hour or that I chose not to take one. When the fact of the matter is-- I wish that was true. It would have been a hell of a lot easier. Unfortunately, I have to admit, I have been trying the whole time. Yes. For five solid years. For jobs in my profession. Other professions. Jobs in Hollywood. Out of Hollywood. For positions with health benefits. Yes, actual health benefits. I thought worst case scenario, I'd be a professional something who wrote at night and on the weekends. I'd done that before. I figured I could do it again. But I never got a job that afforded me that luxury. Even when I was working in publicity, I was making so little that I had to work one day a week at a boutique just to pay my bills. So yes, I was working six days a week and still looking for another job. Because even though that one seemed professional, the environment sure wasn't. And it wasn't what I wanted to do. Hence, my free day off was oftentimes spent sending out resumes, writing and contemplating jumping off a building. And not necessarily in that order.

I have about 20 different versions of my resume. I have the professional one. The menial one. The Hollywood one. The non-Hollywood one. The one with an objective. The one without. The one where I downplay my skills. The one where I don't. I've sent over 500 cover letters. I know because that's how many I have in my "Job Stuff" folder. That obviously doesn't include the ones that I sent in the body of the email. I joined job services. Ones with fees. Ones without. I called and emailed every human being I know and asked them for help. That includes my former agent. And other people's agents. I said I'd go back to being a writer's assistant four years ago. That interview I just had was the only one I got called in for. I took the CBEST so I could subsititute teach. I took a class prior to the CBEST so that I could pass the test. I spent over four hundred dollars only to learn that there was a glut of subs and they were only hiring credentialed teachers. I had a friend who worked for the Los Angeles Unified School District try to help me. Nothing. I also applied to an MFA program. I wrote fiction. Lots of fiction. Essays. All of which helped me to find my voice. And told my stories. Did I write scripts? No. But I was writing. The entire time.

Maybe it's easier for people to think that if you try you succeed. But sometimes you can try and hit a wall. Again and again and again. And it can suck. And that can be why you have to take survival jobs and why you get depressed. And yes, oftentimes feel sorry for yourself. All of which I did. So were there a few days I didn't try? Yeah. Sometimes you can only be rejected so many times. And there's this crazy thing about emailing and internet job sites-- you don't always hear back. It's like your resume and email are sent out into this void with about a thousand other emails from about a thousand other people looking for jobs. 2001 changed the economy. And while writers can do other kinds of writing, there are people competing for those jobs, too. Trust me. I tried to use my skills. I even took a magazine writing class through mediabistro. I pitched my little heart out. And now, 4 years later, I just sold an essay. And alot of it is because now, personal essays are big. They weren't back then. And I didn't have that particular story to tell.

That brings me to the single thing. Looking for a man is a lot of work, too. Particularly one I actually want to spend my life with and who may actually want to spend it with me. I know it's shocking but not every man I meet loves me just because I have a pulse. I get rejected. Which is about as much fun when it's from a man as it is from an employer. I did the internet dating thing for awhile. But it was depressing. Yes, it's true. Even more depressing than looking for work is looking for love. Equally shocking to some people is that being rejected by both men and employers can take a toll on a person after awhile. And you know? Unless you're someone who just wants to have casual sex and no ties, being single is not all that much fun at 38. And definitely not as much fun as it is at 28. And that's about how long I've been wanting to meet someone-- well, maybe not ten years. I wasn't really ready until my career started working-- which is when I was 32. That's still six years of wanting something. Six years of being asked "Why are you single?" Like I know.

And here's another thing. I do want to have children. And I don't want to do it alone. It's not easy to do it alone. It's not even easy to do it with someone else. Do I think a man or children will make me instantly happy? Well, I think being in love is much better than not being in love. And having children when you want them is better than not getting the chance to have them. Otherwise, why would everybody be looking for love and having children? Or going to fertility clinics to try to have children? It's about choice. I don't think marriage will solve all my problems. I don't expect a relationship or a person to be perfect. But I do want to have one and I want the chance to find out for myself. I want the experience. Can you really blame me?