What's A Girl Like Me Doing in Kansas?

Yes, it's true. I'm in Kansas. That's something I never thought I'd say. Although AOL or some poll that AOL got its hands on says that it's one of the top five places to live. Not just Kansas, but Kansas City. Which is where I actually am. I landed yesterday. Yes, on Memorial Day. While others were barbecuing, I was driving around trying to find something to eat other than fast food or chain restaurant fare like TGI Fridays and Houlihans which don't really strike me as solo dining establishments. They don't really strike me as dining establishments period, actually. I'm kind of a healthy eater. And not really into chains-- chain stores, malls, mini malls, etc. Which translates to mean, I'm not really suburban girl. I'm kind of into the whole city thing. Where you can get unique things and interesting things. And better yet, where you can get what you want whenever you want it. Any time of day or night. Even if you do have to fear for your life when you're doing it. I like it. It adds excitement.

So I finally found a Whole Foods at 9:34pm which was actually 7:34pm in Los Angeles which was dinner time for me which didn't matter to them because it was 34 minutes after they closed. I love Whole Foods. I find it encouraging that it's in Kansas City. And comforting. I just got back from Denver and they had one there, too. And more Starbucks than I've ever seen in my life. Seriously. At every traffic light. In every mini mall and mall mall. Denver has a lot of malls. I don't really get that city. The selling point that some guy on the plane said for living there was sports. That doesn't fly with me. I don't surf or ski or watch anything on television where men hit or carry balls. I know. It's probably one of the many contributing factors to my being single. But what can you do?

I've been spending alot of time at malls lately. Doing the skincare thing. Which is far more interesting when you're gallavanting about to different cities. I like traveling and meeting new people. Talking to them. However I am a little nervous about doing this committed training thing today at Sephora. Speaking to a group of perfectly made up people who have yet to experience a fine line. They're very corporate there. And very serious. I'm not very corporate. Or serious. At least not at the times most other people are. I'm hoping they won't notice. I have gotten a bit better at the stage fright thing. I did another testimonial. Yes, apparently some people think my opinion or experiences might translate to the masses. Who knew? At least I figured out this time that if I don't look in the mirror and think about what I look like, I can get through it without looking like a total moron. Which was much easier this time because it wasn't about skincare. So I didn't feel self conscious about it-- like "does my skin really look good enough for me to be saying these things to total strangers?" And also, the director this time wasn't hot. So I wasn't embarrassed. He was an older man who came with an older cameraman and even older sound guy and shot me in the comfort of my own home. The make-up girl did add a little too much powder, which I saw in the creases around my eyes after the fact. But I felt like I was at least fairly articulate. I think being at home helped. I wonder if everyone from Sephora would mind flying out to my home? Probably. Bummer, huh?

I think I should face facts, I'm more of a one-on-one or behind the scenes girl. How I ran for office in elementary school, junior high and was a cheerleader in high school is a mystery to me. Not the bandwagon I would jump on now. Usually I can perform if I'm passionate about something or know what I'm talking about. We'll see. Perhaps I'll just be honest with them and say I'm nervous. I wish we could do it over cocktails. Now that would be fun. Perhaps not great for long term retention of information, but fun.

I do get to bring food. I'm thinking Whole Foods. I'm thinking I'll buy leaves that show what's in the products. I like visuals. That came in handy when I did the wine promotion thing. Plums and fruit and such. Since they couldn't drink the wine I had to do something that gave people an idea of what I was conning them into buying. It's in my script. And in the story I sold to the Los Angeles Times Magazine. Yep, when that puppy comes out-- which it seems it actually will since I got a bonafide contract and everything in the mail-- everyone who ever knew me will see just how painful that fall from grace was. Hopefully they'll also be entertained. I'm excited about the contract. And that the essay is about me and my humiliating experiences. It's nice to know that they're at least worth $500. I got an essay accepted by Fresh Yarn over a year and a half ago and it was never published. They didn't pay, but I was excited any way. It was about the ex-convict and our relationship. It's called "I Dated An Ex-Convict Until He Wanted His Freedom." I'm kind of bummed it never ran. But maybe it wasn't meant to. I'm using that material in other places. I actually could write a book and probably will. He's a good story. Then and now. But maybe I'm not the one meant to tell it. Hard to tell. I think I'm going to start sending it out again.

Okay. Off to coat myself with layers of make-up so as to give the impression I belong in the world of cosmetics and beauty care. Or at least to hide my flaws/age/lines/self. Next trip, I'm thinking I'll dress as a leaf. Now that would be something.