I Have No Idea.

Today I saw Magick Lady. You know what's better than a therapist? A transformational clairvoyant. And you know why? They see what you don't want to talk about. Or admit to. You can try and fib all you want. But they see the truth. And they call you on it. Which is good. But not always fun. I go see her when I'm going to the dark side. Or already there. When I'm starting to give up. Or having a pity party. And feel stuck in some mindset and can't click off. Aka am acting like a crazy person. Because the deal is this. I do want to get where I want to go. It's not like I'm torturing myself on purpose. I just like to see results. Everyone wants to be on the winning team. To play a sport that they like. And to have teammates that they like. I actually worked out this whole sports analogy thing about life and being where you want and not being where you want-- the winning team vs the losing team. And how even winning teams have to work hard and I know that. And how you have to work just as hard to lose sometimes. And I thought about all sorts of cool metaphors using trophies and bowls and stuff. I thought it might make my life more relatable. How I'm feeling more relatable. But then Laura asked me a good question today, "Why do you want everyone to understand you?" And to be honest, I have no idea. I just do. I'm trying to let go of that. I think it's maybe because when I was growing up I worked so hard to pretend I was something I wasn't and it turned out that no one knew who I really was. So maybe I think people should know who I am -- who it is that they like or don't like. And that's where the honesty thing comes in. But phooey to all that. It's clearly not working. I've gone too far in the opposite direction, I guess. It's annoying to realize that your own energy, your own self can be standing in your way. It's made me quite tired. So off I go.

Oh, but I do like myself. I just don't like where I'm at. And I get mad at myself. But that's not the same as not liking myself. You can like people and be mad at them, right? So I'm mad at myself. But not all the time. I just wish I could be another way sometimes. That it might make things easier. But I'm going to try and believe that this is who I am and who I'm supposed to be. And that it's all perfect. Even when I can't handle things gracefully. Which is a lot of the time lately. Well, intermittently. I did do the hard hike today. The one where it's a climb climb climb. And it was exhausting but good. It's always funny to see what people wear when they hike. Skirts sometimes even. What's that about?

Oh, and I do like understanding other people. I like to figure out what makes them tick. Why they do what they do. What gives them resilience or success or love or whatever. I hope I can still keep doing that even if don't care if people don't understand me. I don't think that's a bad thing. Well, if it is, I'm sure I'll learn that sooner or later, too.

So here's me trying to let go of wanting to be understood. And the past. Oh, I'm supposed to also let go of the past. I'm sure any of you could have told me that. I could have told me that. It doesn't mean I always know how to do that. But well, I think I'm starting to talk in circles.