Survival 101

I think I was cheerful yesterday. That folks, is known as denial. Not today.

Today was-- Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down... with a few, "you sucks" thrown in.

In short, it was Survival 101.

First, I got an allergy shot. I need those weekly. A money sucker, for sure. But according to my allergist, my ideal living condition is inside a biosphere. And yesterday, I spent the entire day in bed feeling miserable. Today, I just felt bad aka barely able to function. But I had to. It's Monday. The first day of the second week of the rest of my life.
When I signed in for my shot, I didn't tell them I didn't have health insurance any more. I just figured we'd cross that bridge when we came to it it, signed in, got the shot and winced when I left at the $1.60 I had to pay for parking. Did I mention there's only $176 left in my bank account?

Then, I went to one of those eBay stores to sell some of my things for money. Frye Boots I had to get for a $10/hour job. It took nearly a month to pay them off for a job that I only endured for three. I also took in a pair of Miu Mius and a pair of Seven Jeans that were never really me. They were purchased back in 2000 -- back in the day when money and I weren't enemies. The woman there...? Not so nice. And she made it all feel... not so promising. I left feeling bad about the things I bought. Bad about the gas I used to get there. Not so great about my choices. Yet, even with her downgrading my measly things, I realized they were worth more than I am at the moment.

Then, I got in my car. Checked my messages. A friend wants to take me to dinner on Wednesday night! A focus group cares about my opinion! (Even though I have to lie about my income and drive to Pasadena). For a moment, I think I'm bigger than what's in my bank account.

So... I make a few calls.

Birthday wishes to two friends.

Then, business calls.

To the agent in NYC who read my short stories and liked them.
To the leather purse designer who my old boss didn't "get" and whose bags I loved. And we discuss options and it seems like there's potential.

Until my friend calls and acts like a jerk for no reason...(is there ever one?). And I feel bad again. For needing positive reinforcement. And I Ieave him a message. And he apologizes.

And I set up an interview at a temp place. For back-up. And get a part-time job starting tomorrow.

And I hate that it's that simple. Yet, that difficult. To survive the day.
And I wish. For just one moment. That I knew a way to make it all okay.
But I don't.