I Have A Nielsen Box!

It's true. Really. I do have a Nielsen box. It's in the corner of my apartment. By the door. Still in the box. I'm at a loss as to what to do with it. Even though I asked for it. It was sent to the 35 year old man I live with-- or rather lived with at the time. He was black. Still is. He also still owns nothing other than a mattress, clothes and a bike. But for some reason advertisers are interested in his television viewing habits as if he'd ever buy anything that wasn't sold at a boutique, restaurant or bar or actually stop talking on his phone long enough to watch a commercial. Yet, his opinion matters. (Did I mention he's gay and our relationship was platonic?)

I was disillusioned with TV before. Now I'm just confused. I think to myself, should I or shouldn't I? I mean, a Nielsen box has power. I distinctly remember how every morning after our show aired, the Executive Producer I worked for would rush into work to listen to the Nielsen ratings on some crazy recording Warner Brothers had for crazy Executive Producers. Then he'd start running numbers -- what numbers, I'm not clear on-- probably the 18-49 year old male demographic vs whatever else he/the money people did or didn't care about. Those numbers... well, they must have been good, because he got a lot of syndication dough. And so did his ex-wife. (And those strippers he hung out with, I'm sure they didn't do so bad either).

Let's be honest here. If I hooked up this Nielsen box I could mess with the system. I could change the way they think single, black men view television. I mean, "Law and Order", "Without a Trace", CSI...? These are white girl from Orange County shows. These are dramas. (And I wonder why my sitcom career is no longer a career?). Just think. If I just did this... Maybe TV would get good! And it would be all because of me!!! Maybe I could create the need for the very show I want to create. Or... maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself.

Sure, there are nifty little prizes when you're a Nielsen "family"-- like TVs, blenders, skis, and other paraphernalia that I could win. There's also a big pamphlet I'd have to read, a whole setting up process and that little matter of fraud. Yes, ladies and gentleman, fraud.

See, I'm honest. And it kind of sucks. I'm not sure if it's because I have some strong moral fiber in my diet or if I'm just terrified of "getting in trouble". The fact is, I don't think I could be duplicitous enough to let a network pay me to watch only their programs (something I've heard happens) or just have a heyday messing with the system. It kind of sucks. I was raised in a broken home, how did this happen? I mean, I dated an ex-convict for God's sakes and I KNOW he'd do this. Actually, there wasn't much he wouldn't do. (Again, another story for another day... I hope you're keeping track). All that said, this Nielsen box thing isn't living up to its promises. Big things, I expected big things. Now it's just an eyesore in my apartment and a reminder of what side of TV I'm on. Maybe I'll drop it off at a Latino home. Now wouldn't that be fun? A single black man watching George Lopez or Freddie? Can you just imagine what those Nielsen people would think?