Will Work for Clothes

So Thursday night I had a financial fiasco. The good thing about this not having money thing not being such a new thing to me/being beaten down by it is that I no longer get ashamed of it, even though maybe I should. And the bad thing is, I don't really react or fight it when people try to embarrass me, even though maybe I should. See, I was out to drinks with a friend which turned into dinner with some of her boyfriend's friends sans boyfriend. Since I haven't been out to dinner in-- well, longer than I can remember, I succumbed to the enjoyment of eating food I couldn't afford. (It was only $40 of food and drink with tip, but trust me when I say that's more than I can afford). Nonetheless, I had enough money in my bank account (being on a cash only basis as I am). Yet, the waitress came back after I gave her my debit card explicitly stating that I just wanted $40 charged on there since everyone else was paying their part--(we're talking 8 people. Now, there was a time when I would take a table of 8 to dinner at nicer places than that, not blink, and LOVED every minute of it. Thank God, because that minute was not very long). The waitress, well she came back with seven slips saying "declined" and she kind of threw them at me. In front of everybody. I told her that didn't make sense. I mean, even at my lowest of lows, I had $40. She picked up the slips and just kind of tossed them at me again, saying she didn't know what to say. But she kind of was showing what she wanted to. Long story short, I ended up scrounging together $10 and writing a check to my friend for the other $30 while everyone else ostensibly wondered if the check would clear. Now, I will say to everyone at my table's credit-- they were successful people who didn't make me feel like an asshole-- always a good thing. The waitress, not such a good thing.

The next morning, well the whole reason the $40 hadn't cleared was because she had put through the whole check on my account a few times ($323.69, $323.69...). And with those funds being held until the 30th, well, that left me with exactly $3.87. Now freaking out at 7:30am is kind of futile when restaurants don't open till later. So I just left a message, and waited till 9:00 am to talk to my bank about what the restaurant had to do to fix it. Then I canceled Will's vet appointment and all my plans for the weekend. I had no gas in my car so I wasn't going anywhere. I hate Halloween anyway, I thought. Friday was my first day off in aeons so I could work on some things I needed to get done for a business I'm working on. Yet somehow, I spent the entire day until 2:00pm dealing with fixing the restaurant/money situation. (Although to his credit, the owner of the business was very nice and so was his assistant and they did fix it). Although, I can't get that morning back and I needed it.

There are lots of things I miss about making money. Not the least of which is paying my bills. I also miss being able to go out to dinner, buy what I want at the grocery store, take my friends out to dinner, buy my friends and family birthday presents or wedding presents or baby gifts and being able to go to the doctor when I'm sick. I also loved buying hardback books when they came out, getting new clothes and eating what I wanted for lunch (while working retail, my regular was a $2.79 tortilla soup with free chips-- how regular? Try 4 days a week for 6 months). It also wasn't such a bad thing to be able to work 5 days instead of 6, buy things I needed when I ran out of them (I'm a woman, I'm 37 and concealer, powder and mascara are a necessity) or get my hair done when I have roots. Not having money changes a lot of things. I can no longer afford to go to tae-bo or yoga classes. So if I have to, I hike or walk when it's dark and pray those signs at Runyon saying the park closes after dark aren't true. I show up for birthdays at restaurants after dinner is over and I just bring a card. I can't plan for my future or a house because I can't even afford my present (or as previously stated, anyone else's).

I have a chalkboard in my hallway that lists all the things I need. Some of those things have been there for over a year. Like glasses (I'm blind so the ones I need cost bucks-- 600 bucks to be exact) and bras (we're not talking La Perla here, just your basic padded, push up bras-- I'm a 34A and well, I need it). All of this is the case even though I've worked since I was 16 years-old (yes, full time in high school and college) and worked six days straight for over a year. I'm not a loser. But sometimes it feels like I'm one. My only saving grace has been my friends.

Now this is when it gets sappy. My friends are rock stars. Well, not actual rock stars. If they were, I'd be managing their bands or tours or something important that would be more lucrative than my current occupation. Because they're that supportive. Which is what makes them rock stars-- that they're willing to do whatever they can to help me out. One of my friends owns a boutique and lets me work on the weekends for clothes (and these are NICE clothes). Another cuts my hair even though she works all week doing hair on a television show-- (we also have martinis, too though and that's fun). A writer I used to work with on the sitcom has bestowed gift certificates upon me and kind words (not like that-- he has a WONDERFUL wife and is not in the slightest way sleazy-- but he is funny and very encouraging and oftentimes makes me cry because he's such a good guy). Sure there are the friends who cut me off-- one saying it was just too hard for him to watch how bad my life had gotten. And me, well knowing that no matter how bad it might be, that wasn't okay. But it doesn't mean it's not hard.

No matter how much I'd like to, I can't be the type of woman who goes out and expects others to pay for me. I can't pretend that I'm okay with a bad job and a bad income just to be good company. And I can't use someone just so I can pretend my life is better than it is. Sure, I can show up and just listen or talk-- I have interests and hobbies-- but how many times can I sit there and smile as someone talks about their kitchen renovation when they don't even cook and not gasp as they're saying it costs more than my annual salary? I'm not being petty. I'm just being being real.

I know there are people MUCH worse off than I am. And with no one to cut their hair or help them get clothes. There's the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina and abusive spouses and nowhere to go-- I wish I had something to give or even could take time off long enough to give of myself (and I'm trying to figure out a way). I have friends with health problems, I've had health problems ($30,00 worth in one year). So I'm not stupid. I get it. I'm a white girl from Orange County with emotionally supportive friends and family and look how hard it's been for me. I can only imagine what it's like for other people.