What Looks Like Something New
Okay, I've been busy the last few days. Very, very busy. Being productive. Getting the word out I need work. Working on my business plan. And of all things, being happy. Okay, a little afraid at times. I'm not going to lie. But then every single person who I've told I quit my job is so happy for me, so glad that I did it, that they're ready to throw a parade in my honor. And these people know me. So, I may be poor, but not quite as crazy as I thought I was. This is a big step.
It's not like I have all the answers yet. Or even a few of them. I still don't know what's going to happen with my apartment seeing as how I have to pay rent every month. And then there's my bills. Little Will needs to be neutered and I'm on my last contact. Despite this, I feel optimistic. Suddenly, I want to see people and do things... free things, mind you. But things! With other people! (Although misery may love company, my miserable job made me want to be alone, need to be alone... just to recover). Maybe it's the positive reinforcement I've gotten from my friends, which is known to have a positive effect. They seem to think it's going to be okay. That I'm going to be okay. It's made me feel like I may actually have some power over my life.
I suddenly don't care that I have to eat cheap food. That all of my clothes are old. That I'm old. That the girl at Urban Outfitters asked me when I was due... (I guess she thought, a woman my age wearing an empire waist shirt..., a woman my age at Urban Outfitters, or maybe it's because I have that "no longer being abused by my boss glow"...hard to tell). Anyway, I think it was worse for her than it was for me when she realized I wasn't fat or pregnant. I mean, I didn't really care. Maybe it's because I wouldn't mind being pregnant-- and having someone in my life-- so if felt more like an affirmation of my potential than an insult. Still, she was mortified. So I left. It's not like I could buy anything anyway. Even if their stuff is on the inexpensive side. Honestly, money or not, I just like to look.
Clothes to me, are like art. They inspire me. They bring out my creativity. Maybe it's because when I was young we had no money, so my sister's hand me downs were well, handed down to me. So by the time they got to me, they were oh, so out of style. And if that wasn't bad enough, then being a few seasons behind during the Chemin de Fer, Jordache, Gloria Vanderbilt, Luv Its and Vans craze was. We used layaway. And even then, we always bought the seconds or the styles that were marked down aka the wrong ones to have. Which meant I got teased. Alot. In fifth grade it got so unbearable, I had to eat lunch in the classroom every single day with my teacher, Miss Smith. She was a young, petite woman who wore glasses and tight, colored jeans with high heels. God bless her.
Anyway, when you don't have a lot, you learn to do the best you can with what you've got. To forget about brands and labels that are out of your reach. And learn how to put together the things that are. It becomes kind of a creative challenge. Of course, I wasn't able to do this until my sister, (God bless her, too!) got a job at Taco Bell. Her turquoise jumpsuit saved my life. And so did the fact the school district made junior high only 2 years and high school 4 which put us in different schools at the same time-- and that my growth spurt and her growth stop were perfectly synchronized-- anyway, her new clothes and the fact she shared them was a good thing for me. It helped me fit in when it was important to fit in. It also gave me confidence. And it's amazing what a little confidence can do for a girl. And a lack of ridicule. (Which probably ties all of this back to the job in some way... ah, a lesson.)
It also made me want to have my own things and earn my own things. Which I do. Not currently. But now I at least see the possibility again. And that there's a big world out there. Full of creative people who are putting themselves out there. Putting their things out there. To inspire people like me. Boutiques are great like that. And so are (gasp!), teenagers. I also see that I can use the clothes I own in different ways. Sure, I'd love a new pair of boots... actually I do need a new pair of boots (mine are all worn out). But guess what? I can cut off my moth eaten & mended cashmere sweater and make it into a cropped sweater and feel like I have something new. (Did you know cashmere doesn't fray? You can actually cut it and it stays that way-- cool, huh?). So maybe that's it. Making something old new again. Fashion does it all the time. So does music. And movies. And I'm sure a few other things do, too. So maybe with a little creativity, so can I.
It's not like I have all the answers yet. Or even a few of them. I still don't know what's going to happen with my apartment seeing as how I have to pay rent every month. And then there's my bills. Little Will needs to be neutered and I'm on my last contact. Despite this, I feel optimistic. Suddenly, I want to see people and do things... free things, mind you. But things! With other people! (Although misery may love company, my miserable job made me want to be alone, need to be alone... just to recover). Maybe it's the positive reinforcement I've gotten from my friends, which is known to have a positive effect. They seem to think it's going to be okay. That I'm going to be okay. It's made me feel like I may actually have some power over my life.
I suddenly don't care that I have to eat cheap food. That all of my clothes are old. That I'm old. That the girl at Urban Outfitters asked me when I was due... (I guess she thought, a woman my age wearing an empire waist shirt..., a woman my age at Urban Outfitters, or maybe it's because I have that "no longer being abused by my boss glow"...hard to tell). Anyway, I think it was worse for her than it was for me when she realized I wasn't fat or pregnant. I mean, I didn't really care. Maybe it's because I wouldn't mind being pregnant-- and having someone in my life-- so if felt more like an affirmation of my potential than an insult. Still, she was mortified. So I left. It's not like I could buy anything anyway. Even if their stuff is on the inexpensive side. Honestly, money or not, I just like to look.
Clothes to me, are like art. They inspire me. They bring out my creativity. Maybe it's because when I was young we had no money, so my sister's hand me downs were well, handed down to me. So by the time they got to me, they were oh, so out of style. And if that wasn't bad enough, then being a few seasons behind during the Chemin de Fer, Jordache, Gloria Vanderbilt, Luv Its and Vans craze was. We used layaway. And even then, we always bought the seconds or the styles that were marked down aka the wrong ones to have. Which meant I got teased. Alot. In fifth grade it got so unbearable, I had to eat lunch in the classroom every single day with my teacher, Miss Smith. She was a young, petite woman who wore glasses and tight, colored jeans with high heels. God bless her.
Anyway, when you don't have a lot, you learn to do the best you can with what you've got. To forget about brands and labels that are out of your reach. And learn how to put together the things that are. It becomes kind of a creative challenge. Of course, I wasn't able to do this until my sister, (God bless her, too!) got a job at Taco Bell. Her turquoise jumpsuit saved my life. And so did the fact the school district made junior high only 2 years and high school 4 which put us in different schools at the same time-- and that my growth spurt and her growth stop were perfectly synchronized-- anyway, her new clothes and the fact she shared them was a good thing for me. It helped me fit in when it was important to fit in. It also gave me confidence. And it's amazing what a little confidence can do for a girl. And a lack of ridicule. (Which probably ties all of this back to the job in some way... ah, a lesson.)
It also made me want to have my own things and earn my own things. Which I do. Not currently. But now I at least see the possibility again. And that there's a big world out there. Full of creative people who are putting themselves out there. Putting their things out there. To inspire people like me. Boutiques are great like that. And so are (gasp!), teenagers. I also see that I can use the clothes I own in different ways. Sure, I'd love a new pair of boots... actually I do need a new pair of boots (mine are all worn out). But guess what? I can cut off my moth eaten & mended cashmere sweater and make it into a cropped sweater and feel like I have something new. (Did you know cashmere doesn't fray? You can actually cut it and it stays that way-- cool, huh?). So maybe that's it. Making something old new again. Fashion does it all the time. So does music. And movies. And I'm sure a few other things do, too. So maybe with a little creativity, so can I.
posted by jodypwrites | 8:40 AM
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