Putting it Out There

I've been making calls. Lots and lots of calls. To people I used to know. And who used to know me back. People I don't know. And want to. The common denominator for all of them? They have power. And the common denominator in my calling them? I don't. And me? I don't want power. But maybe don't want to be so powerless. Rather I'd like a chance-- to help me, to help someone I know, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not picky. Any of those will do. And you know? Even a call back when I'm not home. A call they drop out of obligation. That can get me through a day. I'm easy to please, shoot me.

I remember way back when... back when I was in my 20s. Yes, I can remember that far back. Back when I worked for a group of producers. They were on their way up. Had produced two hits. But still, that was considered not quite there. But they were trying oh so diligently to get there. And in their efforts to get A-list actors and actresses attached to their movies, they would call powerful agents 24-7. And those powerful agents? They would drop calls. When they thought my bosses weren't there. And my bosses? Well, they would be there. Because they were at the office 24-7. And they would pick up. The assistant to the powerful agent? Well he or she would make some excuse about how their boss was driving in traffic and yeah, you get the rest. So basically, what I'm discovering is just how many people are driving in traffic where I'm concerned. There are alot of them out there. It's not easy to call them. I think I probably took a shot or drank an entire glass of wine at least once or twice before I dialed a few of them. If not, I wanted to. It's crazy how after spending four or five years of your life with people you can so easily become an unreturned phone call and the thought of calling them can send you into a complete panic. Let's be clear-- these are not men you want to date. Men you slept with or want to sleep with. They're former colleagues... what's that about? That's what makes it so hard. I'm not going to lie. But then, there are also the people who shock the $&#^ out of you. The ones who make you realize that you were there for a reason-- working with those people or for those people for a reason. You didn't waste your time. Be it two days or five years. And maybe if that's the case, it could also mean that because you didn't see that then, perhaps there's also something bigger that's going to happen for you now. And you just can't see it. As if.

I just got off the phone with my first boss out of college. That's a long ways back. A. Long. Ways. Back. I worked for him/his company for three and a half years. He cut me loose when he thought I was overqualified for the position aka didn't feel all that excited about getting lunch for him and the people he was meeting with who also happened to be the writer and director I was giving notes to. I thought it took away some of my authority. I'm not going to lie. One minute, she's taking your order, the next she's telling you what to do to your screenplay? Yeah. Like that's going to work. Needless to say, it didn't. The writers and directors wouldn't listen. And me? Well, why bother working your ass off to learn things if you're doing exactly what you did when you were paying your way through college? My bosses? They didn't see it at first. I did. Because I was the one that the other people were ignoring. He/The company gave me a bonus/money to live on while I looked for a new job. $12,000. In the 80s. Huge, right? Of course, the timing was lousy. I'd been in Boston for three months making a movie, had been out of contact with every single person I knew to contact, it was November, my sister was getting married and I had just died my hair black. (Long story. I felt like I didn't live up to being a blonde or else by being a blonde, I was selling something I didn't have or clearly, if people were treating me like I was invisible, I thought I should go with it... so anyway, a not so bright decision on my part and my sister has the wedding pictures to prove it. Which are ALL OVER my mother's house. Sigh). Anyway, back to the money. Yes, that was an amazing thing to do. For them to do. Did I see that then? Truthfully, I was too freaked out about having to find a job to roll around in all of that greenery.

In a rather fitting moment, do you know what was playing in on the radio when I pulled into my garage, check in purse? "Don't Cry Out Loud". I just sat in the garage while the light went off and... cried first quietly...and then out loud. It was such a movie moment. One of those ridiculously serendipitous moments that if you actually did see it in a movie, you'd think-- that never happens. Anyway, my old boss? He has always been a mensch. No lie. And him taking my phone call after some 12ish years? Well, it just goes to prove that there are good people out there. He was so nice on the phone, I wanted to cry. Hearing his voice? I wanted to cry. So anyway, We talked. Caught up. His barely walking toddler is now driving his car. His other one is in college. I asked him to have lunch. To pick his brain. He's a producer and a writer who has never had to do anything but. The fact that he's still writing and is a nice guy...? That's huge. He's also English. Great accent. I still remember what he likes to eat. (And basically every boss I've ever had...Scary, right? Him? Pad thai.) He's one of the only men I've ever worked for that hasn't hit on me. He has a family. He has a sense of self. And that makes him a success in my eyes. And the fact that he'll call me back AND have lunch with me? Only that much more.