The Ex-Con Made Me Cry

Again. He's done that alot. Since I've known him. Not when we first met. Or when we had our "thing" going on. Then, he mostly made me laugh. He was interesting, amusing, and kind. Yes, kind. That was the thing that was so confusing about him. Oh, who am I kidding? There were many things that were confusing about him. He was this crazy juxtaposition of bad, good, sexy and sweet. I got sucked in. And then, he broke my heart.

So I wrote essays about what happened between us. The first one, funny. (Which he read). The next one, heartbreaking. (Which he didn't). Those adjectives were the feedback from my writing workshop. They loved them. More than anything I've ever written. And in their comments, they called me on the stuff that happened between us-- and expected me to address it. They raised questions that I had never even thought of...like, "Did you love him?" That's the thing about non-fiction that really sucks, you have to be honest. That was one messed up Sunday, I tell you. There's nothing quite like realizing you loved someone and they never loved you back. Not to mention, that you yourself never even acknowledged it. It felt so high school. So embarrassing. I mean, I'm 37 years-old, for God's sakes. Just because I grew up in The OC, didn't mean I wanted to be starring in it. We all know I suck as an actress.

To have "the ex-con" leave a comment on my blog was surprising. And it made me cry. It was nice... and surprising. Damn guy was always surprising me. Maybe that's why I had no idea what to do with him as much as I feel like he had no idea what to do with me. Other than the obvious. After things ended the second time (yes, there was a second time-- yet, not nearly as "right" as the first-- he was a different guy, it was a different situation and he liked a different girl)--so I didn't want him rooting for me. I just wanted him to go away. I needed him to go away. Because I liked him too much or loved him too much... whatever...still, and he didn't like me back (high school again...? maybe). But he was there. And when everything else in your life isn't going how you want it to, and you want-- no NEED something to look forward to, it's amazing what you'll settle for... even not mattering to someone else that matters to you. But I began to realize that being with him wasn't helping me move on with my life-- move forward--- and it was my own damn fault (so much cussing today, sorry:). So I tried to behave in a way that would make him go away. Or maybe I just allowed myself to behave in that way. Still, it was probably not a high point. Not really in character. Not really me. But I needed to do it at the time. I thought-- how can you get over someone if they never go away?

So this is the deal with the ex-con. I made mistakes, too. I need to take responsibility for that. And I'm sorry. He only deserves half of them. (Well, maybe three-fifths...) But at the end of the day, he's not a bad guy. No matter what the correctional system leads us all to believe. Or what I sometimes do in my blog. The fact is, he was there at a time I needed him. He listened. He talked. And he held me. (And vice-versa. I am a giver, after all). And let's be honest. Although he did do some duplicitous things (which he might or might not know/acknowledge he did), you can't fault a guy for not loving you. Hey, my father didn't. And I'm his kid.